Monday, April 14, 2008

Bumper Stickers

Last year, I decided to put an IU Law sticker on my took me about 4 months to finally decide on a good one and get up the nerve to stick it on my little Focus friend. Thus, I am baffled at the lack of thought people put into placing bumper stickers on their cars-bumper stickers that are much less benign than a simple
"Indiana University." By less benign, I don't mean malevolent. Of course there are those kinds, but I know what motivates the assholes that put them on their car to do so. (It's the same thing that makes them rev their engines at stop lights and gel their hair). What I mean are the utterly stupid and pointless ones that people stick on their cars without a second thought. Here are a few:

"Those who work don't know how to fish"
Umm...doesn't EVERYONE know how to fish? You stand there, bring your arm behind your head, then propel it forward. After that, you sit around and drink beer for approximately 5 hours. If something seems to be biting your line, it's probably seaweed, but you can fake excitment and wind up your little string if you want. Fishing accomplished.
I get the point though, we all work too hard, we should just do something relaxing like fish instead of getting all worked up over the Dow Jones Industrial Average, blah blah. A more accurate sticker would read: "Those who work don't have time to sit around and drink beer all day with a stick in their hand, probably because they are too busy supporting their no-good Uncle Chip, who refuses to work and, instead, fishes all day." So maybe I'm not the best bumper sticker writer, but at least mine would be practical.

"And on the Seventh Day, God created Bagpipes."
I dare you to tell me I'm making this one up. I saw it every single day that I walked home from class in college on a car in a parking lot near my apartment. And not one day passed that I didn't see it and think, "Who the hell would put that on their car?" I mean, bagpipes suck. They're loud, the sound they make is painful, and they're gigantic. I pray for the poor kids that take up the bagpipes and have to carry them onto the school bus each day. But that's fine, to each his own. I accept that some people love the soulful tunes that eminate from these bags of air. But I cannot accept that there are people on this earth that love them so much that they see them as a gift from God. It's not a very likely scenario, at least to me, that, after God made the planet and all the animals and stuff, he was like, "Alright, now all I have left are Adam and Eve and some giant plaid bags with tubes coming out so they can play "O Danny Boy" for all of the Garden to hear." And besides, even if that were true, first God would have to create PLAID. Duh.
Anyway, I've thought about several things I truly love, but that I would still not place a similar bumper sticker on my car for.
"And on the Seventh Day, God created Edy's Slow-Churned Ice Cream"
"And on the Seventh Day, God created the Terry's Village catalog"
"And on the Seventh Day, God created 'Jon and Kate Plus 8'"
Nope, these would all suck. Man created all of these things, including bagpipes, which suck the worst out of all four items. God created man, who also, in turn, created a horrible bumper sticker proclaiming a man-made nuisance to be a gift from God. Funny how the universe works.

"Cement parking lots are best."
I've kept this one locked away in my heart since high school. I still have yet to understand it. Is there some sort of underground subversive force trying to push an anti-cement agenda that we just don't know about? What else are parking lots even made out of? Gravel, I guess. And, you know, now that I think about it, cement parkings lots are way better than gravel ones. Sometimes, if you accelerate too fast in gravel, your wheels spin. Plus, gravel gets into your shoes. I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT! Cement parking lots ARE best! F it, I'm going to Ebay to see if I can get myself one of these bumper stickers.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008


I have to update my old people post with a new story. The other day E and I were sitting on the front "porch" of our apartment eating dinner with our dog. We live in what can loosely be termed a shithole. Thus, the people that live at our apartment complex that aren't students at IU are, for the most part, crazy people. This isn't me being mean, I'm just giving you all an honest assesment of the population of the complex.
Anyway, there we are enjoying the first warm day Bloomington has had in 162 days, when an older woman that lives across the way strolled past us with her tiny chiuaua. I don't want to ruin anyone's day/life, but, to get the story right, I must tell you that she was wearing some sort of incredibly high-waisted, incredibly tight spandex pants...I hope I don't need to go into further detail to get across the point that we could see things no human should ever be forced to see. If water-boarding gets old at Gitmo, they could send this lady over there in those pants and the terrorists would sing like canaries.
So, she walks her little dog right up in front of our porch. Neither E or I are particularly friendly people nor tolerant of old folks so we obviously avoided looking at her. Nevertheless, she just stood there, about 6 feet away, staring at us. Just. Staring. This went on for a good 45 seconds...I get a sick feeling in my stomach even thinking about it now.
Finally, she asked if our dog was the one making all that noise earlier in the day. Our dog has a love/hate relationship with his crate that occassionally causes him to wail like a toddler when we're gone. No one that lives in our building has EVER complained about it...mostly b/c they are all students who have lives and are, thus, not home during the day to hear him. This woman, however, has complained to the apartment management about him crying. Yes, this woman, who lives in a completely different building about 100 feet away from where we live. You know why? Because old people are MEDDLERS. Whatever, though, she can bitch all she wants because the management told us not to worry about it. So, this is all beside the point.
We barely answered her after she dissed our dog, but, NATURALLY, she didn't take the hint. More staring for about 30 more seconds. Then, a discussion about, I kid you not, the bowel movements of her dog. Ohhh yes, her dog had bad breath so, of course, she had to change his food! Well, he didn't like this food, isn't that interesting? But, don't worry, he finally ate it on Sunday. And, as if you weren't concerned enough, he FINALLY pooped later Sunday evening. PHEWWWW!
Eventually, either our disinterest made an impact or her craziness made her forget where she was and she walked home-only to emerge a few minutes later, at 7:30 in the evening, with the sun still at least 1 hour from setting, in her pajamas and bathrobe.
Sigh. I don't really have a concluding sentence. I just thought that maybe if I wrote about it, the memory would go away...