Tuesday, February 19, 2008

IU Undergrads

I know, I was once an undergrad...I qualified the title with "IU" so I wouldn't have to deal with my inner voice calling me a hypocrite. Plus, I was cool as an undergrad. Still am, in fact. So, whatever, inner voice, why don't you just SHUT THE HELL UP. Anyway, IU Undergrads are more obnoxious than Weird Al Yankovic (who is, of course, trumped by Ty Pennington). Here's why:

1. Cell phone conversations on the bus: It's annoying enough that they're the kinds of tools that have no problem speaking at full volume on a bus. But the conversations they have are the kinds of conversations that make you want to stick pencils into your eardrums. Similar to ones involving your parents and any manifestation of the word sex.
First, they talk about how totally wasted they were the night/day/weekend before. The girls are excited about it: "Oh my gah, I was sooo drunk, I don't even remember getting naked or arrested! HAHAHAHAHA!" The guys try to play it off like they don't think they're cool, while making sure everybody knows they are, in fact, badass because they finished off, like, a whole bottle of Captain Morgan: "Bro, you don't even know, dude, I can't believe I didn't puke, but I did like 4 keg stands...bro." Then, they talk about the hookups they had as a result of aforementioned drunkeness. First of all, this is disgusting. No one wants to know about this, not even the guy who woke up to find your chubby ass in his bed. Second, it's not impressive. Maybe they've never heard of beer goggles, but since these interesting pieces of eyewear allow nearly anybody to "get some action," the fact that these obnoxious people did does not speak to their looks, skills, or personality. All of which are, as a general rule, lacking.

2. Fashion: If you want to dress like an IU undergrad, you must heed the unspoken rules.
First, find the tightest leggings you possibly can. If you're a size ten, buy a size four. If you're a size four, shop in the kid's section. There are several reasons for this size regulation. One, you definitely want to create as much back fat as you can because everyone loves to see rolls. Two, and this is really important, you must have, at all times, a camel toe. It might seem vulgar and inappropriate, but if you want to fit in, people have to feel like they're sexually harassing you just by accidentally glancing at your lower body.
Second, wear any top you see fit, but just ensure that it adequately shows off your back fat and camel toe. Sweaters are a good idea, but you can wear a North Face jacket too, as long as it's short enough.
Finally, spend 20-30 minutes putting your hair up in a messy side-pony that looks like it actually took 1 minute to do. The messier, the better, but put care into the placement of each individual hair, because you don't actually want to have bed-head, duh.
Easy. At all times, especially in class, wear either your pajams or those striped IU warm-up pants. Whereas the girls just try to look like they don't care about their apperance, the guys actually don't give a shit. This is due, of course, to the above-referenced beer googles, which will allow girls to swoon over them regardless of their looks. And by swoon, I do mean pass out.

Ok, I think I've bitched enough about IU undergrads. They're annoying and Kelvin Sampson is a CHEATER!

Louisville Cards Fans (the "L Raisers")

I'm a girl and I don't keep up with sports that much, at least in comparison to my psychotic boyfriend. However, I hate Louisville fans. I could go on and on about why, but I feel like this video will provide a succinct and obvious explanation.

Prediction: This kid will shoot up a school within the next 2-4 years. I'm not being callous, just realistic.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Sunday lame-ness

There's not much that's worse than the feeling you have in your stomach all day Sunday. I imagine it's similar to the dread felt by those awaiting execution. And it doesn't matter if you have to work Monday or go to school or whatever. Unless you're planning on leaving for Disney World the next morning, Sunday blows.

But Sunday doesn't just suck because it's the day before Monday. There's also the Sunday lame-ness that befalls the nation. Where I live, you can't buy alcohol on Sunday. Last Sunday, I was grocery shopping with my boyfriend, and he picked up a 6-pack of beer. Later on in the shopping trip, a grocery store manager approached us in the midst of an aisle and ripped the beer from our immoral hands. Nothing could make a dork like me feel more like an alcoholic. Now, I don't know a lot about religion, so it's hard for me to grasp this law. Is not buying beer on Sunday part of the Ten Commandments? Is it part of the story of Jonah and the whale? And just what is the story of Jonah and the whale? I don't know because the one time I've heard that title was in religion class in college when my professor said, "And, of course, all of you know the story of Jonah and the whale." Needless to say, it was an inwardly awkward moment for me. Anyway, I guess God doesn't want us buying beer on Sunday. Feel free to get bombed off the beer you bought yesterday, though. Who are we fooling with this Sunday prohibition?? It's not like they put all the alcohol away...it's sitting there in the aisle, sinning away. So, fine, the Bible tells us we shouldn't buy beer, wine, or liquor on Sunday. Pretty sure the Bible also tells us to be nice to one another, but that clearly doesn't phase the bitch that refused to give me the courtesy wave when I let her boat-sized SUV pull out in front of me as she left the CHURCH on 3rd street.

Alright, I already can't buy my wine for Lipstick Jungle girls night on Sunday. (It's such a fresh, smart, and sassy show...) But, now imagine this. My friend picks me up around 8 in the morning so we can deliver those stupid Real Estate books that list all the real estate in the area. In reality, we will deliver approximately 3 boxes of said books, and recycle the other 3 after we've hit up all the hotels that give away free popcorn and cookies. Anyway, she picks me up and I'm hungry (and in high school, thus, I have the metabolism of a marathon runner and eat whatever the hell I want). ALL I want out of life at this moment is a chicken biscuit from Chick-Fil-A. Juicy and warm, with just the right amount of spice. As we pull in, we have a horrifying realization...CHICK-FIL-A IS CLOSED ON SUNDAYS. This event happened to me about 7 years ago, and, as you can see, the emotional damage it caused won't soon fade. It's one thing to not sell alcohol on Sunday because the law tells you too. It's quite another to close altogether one day a week of your own volition! How big of a nerd is this Mr. Chick-Fil anyway? I remember getting a kid's meal there when I was little, and the prize was a cassette tape about two square kids that went on a religious adventure. Even as an innocent ten-year-old, my reaction was "What the fuck?" And this is, naturally, the only appropriate reaction because who wants to get preached to just because they can't resist a delicious waffle fry?

The God I believe in would never expect someone to sacrifice chicken biscuits in the name of religion. It's just so unecessary. I hope that Mr. Chick-Fil recognizes that everyone who tries to go to his resturant on Sunday ends up cursing him to H-E-double hockey sticks anyway. I know I do! And I have a lot of pull with God because I don't buy wine on Sundays.

Sunday, February 3, 2008

Media Coverage of Irrelevance

I'm not talking about shitty local news now, where the most exciting thing they have to report is a wing-eating contest at the local Ryan's. I'm talking about national news outlets. We are currently lanquishing in a failure of a war, our economy blows, and North Korea might try to destroy the world with nuclear weapons, but, hey, did you hear Britney Spears went to the hospital? No, seriously, in the middle of the night! Oh, and also she might be bi-polar and her parents, WAIT, I DON'T CARE. I spent last summer in family court...people crazier than her lost their kids everyday. And the shit they did was way more entertaining than anything Brit has done lately. Example: The mother who's custody over her child was being questioned because her boyfriend, Porky, who, "surprisingly enough" (her words), died while eating a steak, referred to her child not as Jessica (my words-I made it up) but instead called her shithead. Or the ex-husband who accused his ex-wife's new boy toy of beating her, to the point that he "popped her implant." Springer's writers couldn't come up with richer material than that!
My point is, Britney is not the first drug-using, mildly insane, barefooting mother to lose her kids to a father who's only marginally more attractive as a human. Watching her walk into a McDonald's with a pink bob wig on top of her bald head is sad, but it's much sadder to realize that it's some people's career choice to follow her around all day just to get a shot of her picking her wedgie or whatever other boring shit she does. Wouldn't you be crazy too if your every move was tracked on Good Morning America? Leave this poor psychopath alone!

This may sound callous, and it probably is, but I get it, Heath Ledger died. I think it's incredibly sad that anyone has to die, especially someone that leaves behind a child. And, sure, he was a pretty good actor. If every gay guy was as hot as him and that other dude in Brokeback Mountain, maybe all those religious right nutcases would stop treating homosexuals as sub-human. But, really, is it important to our mourning process as a nation to know that he was a chess-lover? Cnn.com certainly thinks so. His family can't be happy with all this coverage, and I doubt he would be pleased either. I mean, if I were to die, I wouldn't want to burden America with stories about how much I loved shopping on overstock.com or what my favorite Blow Pop flavor was (Green Apple, duh...what do you like? Grape? Please.) Let's just let these people get through one day without seeing an utterly useless story about their son/father plastered all over the news.

I'm not trying to be one of those elitist asses who thinks that stories like this should never be on the news and that news anchors should spend all day opining about world events and politics. Although, while we're on the topic, as much as I don't care about Tom Brady's foot brace, I care even less about the fact that Barack Obama is trying to quit smoking. Anyway, it's just that once a story has been reported for a day, that story should be over. If the newspeople need more stuff to fill airtime, I personally think they should just play a bunch of You Tube videos of various people doing the Soulja Boy dance. That's quality TV!