Tuesday, February 19, 2008

IU Undergrads

I know, I was once an undergrad...I qualified the title with "IU" so I wouldn't have to deal with my inner voice calling me a hypocrite. Plus, I was cool as an undergrad. Still am, in fact. So, whatever, inner voice, why don't you just SHUT THE HELL UP. Anyway, IU Undergrads are more obnoxious than Weird Al Yankovic (who is, of course, trumped by Ty Pennington). Here's why:

1. Cell phone conversations on the bus: It's annoying enough that they're the kinds of tools that have no problem speaking at full volume on a bus. But the conversations they have are the kinds of conversations that make you want to stick pencils into your eardrums. Similar to ones involving your parents and any manifestation of the word sex.
First, they talk about how totally wasted they were the night/day/weekend before. The girls are excited about it: "Oh my gah, I was sooo drunk, I don't even remember getting naked or arrested! HAHAHAHAHA!" The guys try to play it off like they don't think they're cool, while making sure everybody knows they are, in fact, badass because they finished off, like, a whole bottle of Captain Morgan: "Bro, you don't even know, dude, I can't believe I didn't puke, but I did like 4 keg stands...bro." Then, they talk about the hookups they had as a result of aforementioned drunkeness. First of all, this is disgusting. No one wants to know about this, not even the guy who woke up to find your chubby ass in his bed. Second, it's not impressive. Maybe they've never heard of beer goggles, but since these interesting pieces of eyewear allow nearly anybody to "get some action," the fact that these obnoxious people did does not speak to their looks, skills, or personality. All of which are, as a general rule, lacking.

2. Fashion: If you want to dress like an IU undergrad, you must heed the unspoken rules.
First, find the tightest leggings you possibly can. If you're a size ten, buy a size four. If you're a size four, shop in the kid's section. There are several reasons for this size regulation. One, you definitely want to create as much back fat as you can because everyone loves to see rolls. Two, and this is really important, you must have, at all times, a camel toe. It might seem vulgar and inappropriate, but if you want to fit in, people have to feel like they're sexually harassing you just by accidentally glancing at your lower body.
Second, wear any top you see fit, but just ensure that it adequately shows off your back fat and camel toe. Sweaters are a good idea, but you can wear a North Face jacket too, as long as it's short enough.
Finally, spend 20-30 minutes putting your hair up in a messy side-pony that looks like it actually took 1 minute to do. The messier, the better, but put care into the placement of each individual hair, because you don't actually want to have bed-head, duh.
Easy. At all times, especially in class, wear either your pajams or those striped IU warm-up pants. Whereas the girls just try to look like they don't care about their apperance, the guys actually don't give a shit. This is due, of course, to the above-referenced beer googles, which will allow girls to swoon over them regardless of their looks. And by swoon, I do mean pass out.

Ok, I think I've bitched enough about IU undergrads. They're annoying and Kelvin Sampson is a CHEATER!

1 comment:

Ellen said...

Love it. haha. You'd love Syracuse University undergrads..... 1/2 of them are from long island -- uh, i'm not sure how to describe this to those unfamiliar with long islanders. But, they are a different breed.

Anyways, we were never like that (ha).