Monday, April 14, 2008

Bumper Stickers

Last year, I decided to put an IU Law sticker on my car...it took me about 4 months to finally decide on a good one and get up the nerve to stick it on my little Focus friend. Thus, I am baffled at the lack of thought people put into placing bumper stickers on their cars-bumper stickers that are much less benign than a simple
"Indiana University." By less benign, I don't mean malevolent. Of course there are those kinds, but I know what motivates the assholes that put them on their car to do so. (It's the same thing that makes them rev their engines at stop lights and gel their hair). What I mean are the utterly stupid and pointless ones that people stick on their cars without a second thought. Here are a few:

"Those who work don't know how to fish"
Umm...doesn't EVERYONE know how to fish? You stand there, bring your arm behind your head, then propel it forward. After that, you sit around and drink beer for approximately 5 hours. If something seems to be biting your line, it's probably seaweed, but you can fake excitment and wind up your little string if you want. Fishing accomplished.
I get the point though, we all work too hard, we should just do something relaxing like fish instead of getting all worked up over the Dow Jones Industrial Average, blah blah. A more accurate sticker would read: "Those who work don't have time to sit around and drink beer all day with a stick in their hand, probably because they are too busy supporting their no-good Uncle Chip, who refuses to work and, instead, fishes all day." So maybe I'm not the best bumper sticker writer, but at least mine would be practical.

"And on the Seventh Day, God created Bagpipes."
I dare you to tell me I'm making this one up. I saw it every single day that I walked home from class in college on a car in a parking lot near my apartment. And not one day passed that I didn't see it and think, "Who the hell would put that on their car?" I mean, bagpipes suck. They're loud, the sound they make is painful, and they're gigantic. I pray for the poor kids that take up the bagpipes and have to carry them onto the school bus each day. But that's fine, to each his own. I accept that some people love the soulful tunes that eminate from these bags of air. But I cannot accept that there are people on this earth that love them so much that they see them as a gift from God. It's not a very likely scenario, at least to me, that, after God made the planet and all the animals and stuff, he was like, "Alright, now all I have left are Adam and Eve and some giant plaid bags with tubes coming out so they can play "O Danny Boy" for all of the Garden to hear." And besides, even if that were true, first God would have to create PLAID. Duh.
Anyway, I've thought about several things I truly love, but that I would still not place a similar bumper sticker on my car for.
"And on the Seventh Day, God created Edy's Slow-Churned Ice Cream"
"And on the Seventh Day, God created the Terry's Village catalog"
"And on the Seventh Day, God created 'Jon and Kate Plus 8'"
Nope, these would all suck. Man created all of these things, including bagpipes, which suck the worst out of all four items. God created man, who also, in turn, created a horrible bumper sticker proclaiming a man-made nuisance to be a gift from God. Funny how the universe works.

"Cement parking lots are best."
I've kept this one locked away in my heart since high school. I still have yet to understand it. Is there some sort of underground subversive force trying to push an anti-cement agenda that we just don't know about? What else are parking lots even made out of? Gravel, I guess. And, you know, now that I think about it, cement parkings lots are way better than gravel ones. Sometimes, if you accelerate too fast in gravel, your wheels spin. Plus, gravel gets into your shoes. I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT! Cement parking lots ARE best! F it, I'm going to Ebay to see if I can get myself one of these bumper stickers.

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