Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Old People

The other day, I just needed to run into the grocery to get one thing. So, my boyfriend (we'll call him E) dropped me off at the door and proceeded to park in a spot in the lot outside the grocery to wait for me. While I was gone, an old man emerged from his shopping trip and got into the car directly across from where E was parked. Soon thereafter, E heard a honk. He looked up and, sure enough, it was the old man, honking at him to back out of the parking spot so that the old man could pull through instead of backing up. Naturally, E found this to be absurd and ignored him. But this persistent octogenarian would not be ignored! He continued to honk and stare until E finally (and incredulously) gave in and backed out of the spot! The man pulled through and drove away. This story perfectly exemplifies my beef with old people.

Apparently the slow crawl towards death makes old people feel superior to others. They do whatever the hell they want without any explanation. They cut in front of you in lines and don't even look at you while they're doing it! And there's nothing anyone can do about it because who wants to be that asshole that yelled at the old person? I'm convinced half of them fake feebleness and dementia just to get away with shit. But who can blame them? It certainly works. Even my stubborn boyfriend was no match for the powers of old people. The old man is his story probably would have sat there all day honking at him before he would allow some young "buck" to make him back up from a parking spot when he could easily pull through. As long as he got home before his 4:00 dinner, his life wouldn't have been affected in the least.
In hindsight, it was probably best to make his exit from the grocery as easy as possible because we all know how terrible old people are at driving. At what age do you forget that turns are to be made from turn lanes not from whatever f-ing lane you're in? Someone should do a scientific study on this. And why exactly does being old make you drive so slow? I've racked my brain, and I simply can't explain it. I would think that if the sand was close to running out of the hourglass for me, I would always be in a hurry! Especially if I was heading to Wendy's for lunch, which of course I would be because all old people love Wendy's. Don't believe me? Next time you drive by one, count how many blue hairs you see inside enjoying a delicious baked potato. If it's not at least 4, you should alert the authorities because something must have happened to all the old folks in your town.

And then, of course, there's the conversations. Old people have NO filter...true to form, they say whatever they want whenever they want. Please recall my earlier story about the old women discussing diarrhea loudly in a waiting room. Often, they'll talk out loud to nobody in particular. This is especially awkward for us young-folk, who usually feel obligated to pretend listen while desperately hoping beyond hope that the person will forget what they were saying and give up. There is an elderly gentleman in my law school class (no, really), and I don't even want to get into the kinds of conversations he has in class. And they occur at the volume level of a sonic boom because he clearly has some sort of hearing loss/indifference to how loud even his whispers are.

Though I dread getting older, I am excited to reach an age where I can do anything I want without impediments. I plan on sending back every item of food I get at resturant, making people as uncomfortable as possible by discussing bodily functions on all buses and airplanes, and "forgetting" how to work my cell phone so that nobody can ever call me again. It will be great!

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