Crummy commercials

Have the people that create today's commercials spent even one day in the real world? There's no way...just look at the crap they think happens to actual people:

-Birth control/feminine product commercials-
When I see these, my first thought is, "Wow, this is so off base that only a man could have thought this up." Then I realize that men have 3 main fears in life--(1) Crying females (2) Pregnant females (3) Periods--in that order. So, I can't imagine a man conquering any of these fears by agreeing to work on a Yaz or Tampax commercial. Clearly, then, it's women with no friends that actually make them. Because I can promise you that I have never texted my friend from the beach to extol the virtues of the lighter, shorter period I can achieve with a certain pill. And my friends and I have never had a carefree conversation about cramps and bloating or spoken the phrase, "She's definitely menstrual!" I thought this was a phrase only old women would use...loudly, while in a crowded waiting room at the doctor's office (clearly, I'm alluding to a conversation I was in the middle of at a waiting room in Danville, Kentucky where two old women sitting across the room from one another casually discussed their frequent diarreah). Anyway, periods are not fun events that we girls have frequent gab-fests about. Nor are birth control pills things that we try to convince all our other friends to take. And if my friend in medical school (you know who you are) ever tries to impress us by spouting off the complete list of symptoms that could accompany such pills, well, that friendship has reached its end.

-Chain resturant commercials-
Really, what I'd like to focus on here are Olive Garden and Crapplebees commercials. I can picture the types of people that create these commercials: Crazy, fake-blonde women that are 56 but trying to look 32. They wear their bright pink blush in large, perfect circles on their faces and never stop smiling, even when they're asleep. People never argue with them because they're afraid it will catapult them into a psychotic rage. In essence, people that truly operate outside of reality. Because that's the geographic location of these commercial Olive Gardens and Applebees-outside of reality.
For example, in the bizarro Applebees of one commercial, the late-teen waiters and kitchen staff decide to stay at work past closing to allow a poor high school football team that has just undergone a devastating loss to eat there. I've worked at a resturant, and here's what would happen in reality Applebees: The waiters would have just finished vacumning the floor and putting all the chairs on the tables, and the kitchen staff would have just put away ALL the food and turned off all cooking implements. When the football team got off the bus, the workers inside would probably all yell, "Sorry, fuckers, we're closed," and then purposely ignore the team as they waited at the locked door. Then they would laugh as the team dejectedly walked away. The service industry really just isn't the touching bastion of humanity the people in bizarro Applebees want you to think it is.
Then there's Olive Garden commercials. It's pretty unrealistic that a waitress would ever be as excited and happy about her job as bizarro Olive Garden waitresses are, even if she does rely on tips. What's even less realistic is the visceral joy that the patrons appear to feel upon arriving at bizarro Olive Garden. First of all, Olive Garden is, at best, a good resturant. They have pretty tasty breasticks, but, let's be honest, it's just another chain resturant with reasonable prices and fake-nice decor. Certainly not joy-inducing. Further, from my small experience in the resturant business, I came to realize that out-to-eat families, especially ones with children, are the most joyless people on the face of the earth, second only to the people that work at the DMV. Olive Garden commercials are so ironic that all they really do is make those who exist within reality (most people) more depressed about their very real lives.
Point: Just show us a plate of delicious food with some catchy music, and stop pretending Americans love their lives.

-Lexus commercials-
What I mean are the ones that they play around Christmas. This season, we saw a man calling his wife to tell her he couldn't pick up their beloved child from some yuppy extracurricular activity. In fact, the man is outside the house with said child (who indifferently plays his Nintendo DS because he's so spoiled he can't even appreciate the vast sum of money that was just spent on his mother), waiting by a brand-new Lexus with a giant bow on top! Wife steps out, still miffed at having to pick up spoiled brat, and, gasp, she sees the gift! All is well! Make-out time for mom and dad!
I don't know about you, but here's what would happen in my household: Dad makes the fake call. Mom emits at least 3 explicatives, telling Dad exactly how unhelpful and selfish he truly is. Mom finishes berating and hangs up, still cursing to herself. She steps outside and sees the car (which has no bow on top because who the hell can find a bow that large?). At first, she's confused. Then, it hits her. Dad has spent at least $60,000 on a piece of property that will only depreciate in value. We'll skip past the fight that soon ensues because it's too painful and graphic for most readers. The next day, Dad is served with divorce papers at the hotel he had to spend the previous night in. Let's face it, only celebrities buy each other Lexi (what I consider to be the plural of Lexus) for Christmas. Thus, from an economic standpoint, Lexus is wasting money on this line of advertising, while simultaneously refusing to recognize how actual people live.

Commercial-people (this is their official title, right?) need to accept the inevitable: We are not a generally joyful people. We have never had a "happy period," and we take birth control because babies are terrifying. We eat out at resturants because we have emotional problems that are frequently soothed by eating and because we're too lazy to cook our own dinners. We buy cars that we can't afford because we're too materialistic to just be happy with the relationships we have with our loved ones. So, quit annoying me and get real.