Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Douchy Law Students

You're probably thinking, but Sue Ellen, YOU'RE a law student. Well, if you actually think my name is Sue Ellen, you're definitely not thinking that. Regardless, I am in law school, therefore I have first-hand knowledge of the douchy law student things that go on everyday. I could list nearly 200 things that annoy me about some of my fellow students. But I choose to focus on just one today...perhaps, the worst one: Douchy law student conversations. Even if you're not a law student, you too can have a douchy law student conversation so long as you do the following:

1. Think you're funny. Yes, despite the fact that many are squares that will spare no measure to kiss a professor's ass (a professor who's second and possibly third concurrent career is being a law school professor and who, thus, literally could care less if we (like him!) are Detroit Tigers fans or have a falsely-concocted question designed in vain to get him to remember our face or have an interesting take on something we wish to babble on and on about or would gladly give him a b.j. just for an A...)...shit, where was I? Oh yeah, despite that the fact the they're dorks, they still somehow think they're funny. I actually fulfill this requirement. But I am funny, so f off.

2. Drop your grades/summer job. You can be talking about anything on earth (and please don't get me started on the fact that I've now heard TWO conversations about Nietzsche and Ayn Rand in the law school...please), but somehow you'll find a way to get in that you worked at (insert name of uppity law firm where similar douchy conversations are the norm) last summer and will hopefully be returning this summer if you can maintain the "unreal grades"** you've achieved thus far. The most noxious part about this requirement is that you're freely allowed to just make shit up. So, you're not top 10%? Who the hell cares, tell everyone you are anyway! As long as you maintain confidence, they might believe you.
**Actual quote from actual classmate.

3. Talk about law things like you're the smartest person on earth. This one really gets me. A conversation will go like this:
D-bag 1: Did you hear Britney Spears got arrested? (I made this up, is it true?)
D-bag 2: Yeah, but those charges seem pretty shaky. I mean, I doubt there was any mens rea, and without that the prosecution's gonna have a hell of time.
D-bag 1: True, plus, ya know res ipsa loquitor. It'll be hard to prove, but I think the best bet would be to file an interlocutory appeal and be done with it.
D-bag 2: Bro, you are so right.
People who aren't in law school probably wouldn't know what these people are talking about. Well, neither do they. They use these Latin phrases and legal terms for the same reason the law profession keeps them around-to feel superior to other people. But, newsflash, a-holes WE'RE all in law school! We all learned these terms and phrases in the same miserable classes you did, so you're not impressing anyone when you have these conversations in the student lounge while people are TRYING TO EAT. Number three is the easiest requirement because all you need is a law dictionary and a douchy law student to converse with.

4. Speak as loudly as possible. Pay careful attention, because this is the KEY to the douchy law student conversation. Wherever you are, the library, Wal-Mart, the bus, you MUST make sure that all around you can hear the conversation you're having. This is the best way to let as many people as possible know how funny, smart, desirable and humble you really are. The d-bag you're speaking to might already know that you got a (made up good grade) in (indifferent professor's name)'s class, but the busdriver might not! This is the perfect opportunity to let said busdriver know that you are far better than he will ever be. And remember, you're better than all the other law students too!

Well, there you have it. With just a bit of deception and a hefty dose of arrogance, you can be on your way to having a douchy law student conversation. Don't be surprised if you find the urge to stab yourself, though.

No comments: