Guinness World Records

This is inspired by a show I watched last night, entitled 100 Greatest Guinness World Records. To be honest, I just winged it on the title, but it was something to that effect. I admit, a few of the records are intriguing. You should have seen the Fattest Twins...they weighed like 1,400 pounds total or something. They were shown eating breakfast, and they each ate like 20 strips of bacon and 13 poached eggs. I'm not sure why we're encouraging this morbid, digsuting obesity by giving them what looks to me like an award, but who am I to judge? (I am judging...eating that much bacon should be a felony punishable by at least 3 years in jail and/or a fine of not less than $1,500)
Anyway, most of these records are absolutely ridiculous. Here's just a few highlighted on the show last night:

*Largest gathering of people dressed as gorillas: Now, here's some people that are really making a difference in the world! I don't get it...does stuff like this happen and then Guinness jumps on it, or did these people get together with the idea of breaking this record? Was there a previous record and, if so, what the hell is wrong with people? Upon further investigation, it seems the gathering was to raise funds for the Dian Fossey Gorilla Fund. Dian Fossey (January 16, 1932 – December 26, 1985) was an American Zoologist who completed an extended study of eight gorilla groups. She observed them daily for years in the mountain forests of Rwanda, initially encouraged to work there by famous paleontologist Louis Leakey. (Wikipedia, "Dian Fossey." January 2008). Well, that makes me feel a little better about the mental state of those that set this record...but it doesn't make it any less creepy.
*Most eggs crushed by wrist in one minute: No, don't re-read, you read that correctly the first time. Yes, the man I saw last night was able to bend his wrist backward, thus enabling him to crack an egg between the back of his hand and the top of his forearm. But don't worry, there's a lot of skill involved in this activity-he explained how after he's crushed an egg in this manner, his hand/arm become slick with egg juice, thus making the subsequent crushes very trying. He's so brave to have persevered through the first egg crush he ever did after he got all that shit all over him...most people would have given up. Actually, most people would have never realized they had this "talent" at all because they would be too busy doing things that are productive and rational like cleaning, shopping, and obtaining boyfriends/girlfriends. The best part about this one is that the record is...FOUR! The World Record is FOUR. This shouldn't even be considered for television until the records is, at the very least, in the 500's.
*Most claps in a minute: This man's mom must be SO proud. He would be a really annoying guest at the State of the Union Address. There's nothing more I feel I need to say about this one.
*Longest ski fall survived: Really? So, now you can get Guinness World Records for things you have NO control over? This woman literally got a GWR (yeah, that's right I abbreviated it) for not dying! For the love of God! I bet she was really excited, after tumbling like a rag-doll for a good 10 minutes and being carried down a mountain on a stretcher, barely conscious, concussed, and covered in bruises, to find out that she won a Guinness World Record! Probably one of the shining achievments of her life. Which is how the narrator of the show I watched last night seemed to think it went. Here's a direct quote: "Lucky to be alive and lucky to have a new world record." This is such a mind-numbingly idiotic statement that I don't even know where to begin in critcizing it. So, I'll just say I hope I'm never as "lucky" as this woman, GWR or not.

That's just a small sampling of the absurd GWR's there are. Most of these seem pretty easy to set because they are amazingly detailed things that no other person or group of people would ever be tempted to try.
I think you know where I'm going with this...I am going to try to set a NEW WORLD RECORD. Tommorrow, at 9pm, I will attempt to break the record for the most bird chirp noises made while washing dishes. If you want to come over, let me know. I called some local news stations to report the story. Please note this perfectly-timed reference to my last post re: local news. THIS, readers, is good writing. World record writing, perhaps...